Turn Based Battles: So annoying!
by LuvVincent
Summary: Cloud, Vincent and Cid are in the Great Glacier Cliff, and they descover how annoying turnbased fighting can be. Please review!
1. Holy TurnBased Battle System

Hello everyone, this is my first FF7 fic, so please be gentle! Oh, and for the record, I love everything about the game; this just had to be written. Before the fic, I own nothing of Final Fantasy apart from this story, no matter how much I want to, sob Anyway, here is the story!

**It's not my turn!**

Cloud, Cid and Vincent were inside the Great Glacier Cliff, and Cid was complaining constantly about the cold and the lack of food, and the lack of rest, and the lack of just about anything he could think of, which, considering they were inside an ice cave, was quite a lot. "Dam cold, gonna end up getting fuckin' frostbite, and here the frost does bite! Stupid fuckin' icicles, why couldn't they jus' fall by themselves?" And so on, and so on. Clod was managing to cope, and Vincent was being his usual cool, calm self, but one of his eyebrows was twitching furiously, which he could conveniently keep hidden behind his red bandanna. It was only a matter of time, however, before Cloud snapped.

"God dammit Cid! You complaining about every little thing isn't going to make it any better, so just shut the hell up!" Vincent's grin was hidden behind his cloak, and anyway, the group was distracted by a spring in the wall of a suspiciously long corridor, and Vincent spoke up loudly to stop Cid retorting,

"Hmm, if I know conveniently placed springs, which I do, and if I know Square soft, which I do, this should be a healing spring, and so further along this corridor, there will be a boss." Cid and Cloud were looking at him like he was crazy, Vincent sighed, "Forget what I just said, and just drink some water." They all did and suddenly there was a flash and all their HP/MP was restored,

"Wow…… that was awesome…" Cid muttered. Vincent rolled his eyes and said,

"Listen, there will be a boss further along, so sort out your material."

"How can you possibly know that?" Cloud asked sceptically, but Vincent's glare silenced him and he busied himself with his new ribbon, Cid sniggered,

"I can't believe you wear that." It was Clouds turn to glare as the trio continued up the passage,

"It happens to be the best accessory we have!"

"Yeah… and the fact that it's pink has nothing to do with it?" Cid's voice was dripping with sarcasm, and Cloud was about to reply when a loud roar was heard and the corny boss music came on.

They stood in a line in front of a large dragon with two heads, and Cid yelled, "Dammit! How come it has two parts! That's jus' rude!" The other two didn't have time to reply as icicles came raining down on them. They could see them coming, but they just couldn't move, they just stood there in their battle stances, and the ice spikes hit them head on, Cid complained, yet again, "For God's sake! Why the hell can't we move! It's like this all the time!" Vincent suddenly stepped forward and used Fire2 on the left side, dealing it a nice amount of damage, before stepping back in line. Next Cloud had his turn and leapt in the air and unleashed a deathblow… it missed, Cloud looked aghast,

"WHAT! It didn't even move! How could it miss!" Cloud moved back into his original position, and immediately after Cid used Big Guard on the party, which, surprisingly met no comment, then it was the dragon's turn. I reared its left head and spewed an icy blast at Cid, whom it hit dead on, leaving Cid nearly dead.

"ARGH! Heal me dammit!" Cloud wanted to, but –

"I can't, it isn't my turn!" Cid looked incredulously at Cloud,

"Screw the turn-based system!"

"Cid! Do not speak wrongly of the holy turn system, it is all we know! Lets ask Vincent!" Turning to him however, he saw Gallion Beast rearing its head, "Aww shit!" Cloud's bar was nearly full, soon… soon… there, it was his turn! He made to cast Cure2 on Cid, but as soon as the command was entered, Cid was hit by a fireball from the right head, and he was KO'd, leaving Cloud with no choice but to pointlessly heal himself, "Fuck!" He cried, As Gallion Beast used Beast Flare on Schizo, killing the left head, but healing the right one up to full health. "ARGH! Dammit Vincent!" As soon as Cloud's turn came, he used a phoenix down on Cid who yelled at him for letting him die in the first place, and was then killed again by a flamethrower from the remaining head. Cloud was fuming, he wanted to heal Cid, but he couldn't move, his turn wasn't there yet, almost… almost… "NO! VINCENT!" Schizo had just been healed again, but Cloud was just about to attack, when he was hit by a rather nasty claw swipe, "AH HAH! Thought I'd make my move too early did you, well forget it, take this!" And despite wanting to heal, he was told to use Finishing Touch "ARGH! I'm being controlled! ARGHH!"

The whirlwind soared toward the dragon, which was dropped by a great height, and it disappeared in a cloud of red, Cloud was happy, he thought he had won, when blue and yellow sparkles appeared and zoomed towards him, striking him over and over, he heard Vincent fall next to him, but he just managed to hold on, "Phew… that was close… But why aren't I doing my classical victory pose?" At that moment, one yellow sparkle flew and hit him right between the eyes, and he keeled over. "Aww, how come it gets a final attack?" He wined before he blacked out.

The trio suddenly saw a buster sword poking out of the ground, and a sign saying, "New Game/Continue" A large white hand appeared and selected "Continue, the trio screamed when they saw their faces looking back at them, frozen, and next to their portraits was where they were, how much money they had – "Man, we really need more cash..." Cid pointed out, and also a strange number that seemed to be a time of some sort,

"Hmmm, So what is that time?" Vincent wondered aloud,

"Oh My God! It's how long we have to live! ARGHHH!" Vincent raised an eyebrow at Cloud who shrugged and suddenly, there was a strange beep sound, and they appeared on a pink spinning question mark next to the spring.

"Oh great… this place seems familiar." Cloud sighed, Cid clicked his wrists,

"Come on you mother fuckin' dragon, time for round two!" Cid yelled, he tried to run, but realised he was inside Cloud, so he had to wait until Cloud go his "Spiky ass in gear!" and they went, yet again towards the boss.

Well, there you go, completely pointless, but I think it was quite funny, PLEASE REVIEW! (Did I get the dragon's name right?"


	2. Cutbacks and Innuendoes!

Hellooooo all my readers! Ok, I wasn't gonna do another chappie on this, but by request, here it is! Btw, one (ok, LOTS OF!) references to yaoi, but its all in the name of humour!

Phones and Innuendoes. 

The trio were charging up the frozen path again to fight the two-headed, ass-kicking deathblow-dodging dragon again. Cloud was talking to Cid as they were running, "Ahh, so that's why fan girls always pair you with Vi- huh?" He glanced around, but saw no one standing next to him, he scratched the back of his head and glanced around, "Uh, guys… where are you?" Suddenly, a voice appeared in his head,

"Cloud you idiot! Didn't you read the damn contract?" It was Cid. Cloud waved away the fact that he could hear Cid's voice but not actually see him and said, whilst scratching his head in the Cloudish manner he's so famous for,

"Erm…. There was a contract?" There was a silence that was full of annoyance-

(AN: Can silence be full of anything? Cid: Who cares? Shut the hell up! Vincent: Now Cid, that's rather rude, and as to your question, silence can't be full of anything. AN: Oh… well this is fiction so who cares? Cid: That's what I- AN: On with the story!)

-Until there was an exasperated sigh from the air and Vincent's voice rang out, "Well, when we signed up with Squaresoft-" Cid interrupted,

"Its Square-Enix now moron!" Vincent sighed before continuing;

"It doesn't matter, when we sighed up with this company there were last-minute budge cuts, meaning that we had to cut back of animation and such." There was silence, this one filled with confusion, until Cloud voiced such confusion,

"But that still doesn't explain why I can hear you, change your equipment and material, heal you… but not see you."

"Ah, well-" Vincent was cut off by Cid,

"Basically because of these budgie-things we cant be on-screen when we move." Cloud was still confused,

"So… where are you then?"

"Oh, we're inside you." Cid answered immediately. There was silence filled with sexual innuendos. Cloud paled slightly and glanced behind himself nervously,

"Erm… 'Inside me'? Are you sure that's what you meant Cid?"

"Of course, I'm not stupid Spike, I think I'd know if I was inside someone!" Cloud swallowed, and Vincent, finally realising what had caused Cloud such distress spoke,

"Ohhhhhhh, erm, Cid, maybe you should re-think your worm phrasing."

"Huh? Why???" Vincent sighed,

"Because imagine what you would think if someone told you that they were… inside you." More silence, with Cloud still looking anxiously around his… body, until Cid said,

"Waddya mean what would I think? I'd, oh… Ohhhhhhh, I get it, Heh heh, wishful thinkin', eh Spike?" Cloud blushed furiously and Vincent spoke in his defence;

"Now, Cid, don't be harsh to Cloud, he's been through enough with his chocobo-like hair, and you shouldn't embarrass him more by making up false… fantasies." At this Cloud shuffled,

"Well… let's not rule anything out…" Yep, more silence,

"Get to a shiny purple spiny crystal." Vincent said quickly,

"Huh? Why?" Cid said,

"Because… I am rather freaked out now." Cloud began to moan,

"but Vincent, there isn't a shiny purple spiny crystal, and plus, you must have some urges, I mean, you were in a coffin for 30 years so you must have some pent up-"

"DAMMIT CLOUD THERE WAS A CRYSTAL AT THAT MAN'S HOUSE SO GO THERE NOW BEFORE I GO CHAOS ON YOUR ASS!!!!" Vincent yelled.

Cloud yelped and began running back to… that mans house.

"You know, I always wondered why my phone only works at the crystals…" Vincent growled,

"CLOUD!!!"

Tee hee, there is chapter two! I don't know if I'm gonna add a third… I might, depending how nicely you review or if you review… Toodles!!


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